Having Sex Abroad: An Open Letter to Those With Poor Timing
Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there, Bro…
You are finally there. You’ve made that connection you didn’t think you would. You are about to, as Fez from That 70’s show would say “Do iiiiiit” 😉
Maybe it’s your last night before going home. Maybe this is a big trip with a significant other. Maybe you’re just letting loose for the night. Either way, I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FLIPPER. I don’t care when you do it, I don’t care how you do it. I don’t even care if you cry the entire time. I’m writing this as a plea to all future encounters. Please do your business somewhere else.
Hey, guy from the States and girl from Brazil! That Raiders hat isn’t exactly covering anything up while you awkwardly lend each other a hand in the common room at 2 in the afternoon.
Hey, couple from Australia! That sheet that you poorly hung around your bed isn’t exactly blocking our view of you guys bouncing up and down like rabbits in the night. Turns out, leaving your light on gives us a fun light show to narrate! Moving forward I’ll continue to lend my words of encouragement “FASTER”…
Hey, couple in the shower right before dinner! “Pass the soap!”
I think you see my point. If you travel for any period of time and you are staying in hostels you are bound to be around for a show or two (or five). Some won’t bother trying to be private, some have the worst timing, and some just aren’t aware of anything other than a bed. I’m here to tell you there is more! In fact, you have several options to get freaky without me giving some tips from the same room.
Please, don’t do it on the couch. Most of us like to sit there. Instead, pop into the laundry room during the day or at night when everyone else is away. Please, don’t try to be covert by placing a sheet around your bunk bed. Instead, stop being cheap and pay for a private room. There are plenty of cheap options.
Please, don’t do it in the shower just before dinner. We all get ready at the same time. Instead, get in there at night when nobody is using it. Heck, go all night for all I care. I’m not worried about the cleanliness, I brought jandals (sandals) for a reason 😀 If you have a room with an en suite feel free to boink at any time!
While I enjoyed sharing these encounters with fellow travellers, there are some sights and sounds that I will never truly get out of my head. And while it’s certainly a joy to talk about, I don’t want to be around for your shadow show again. And I don’t want to see you kicked out of the hostel at 3 am on a Saturday night.
For those of you who are just plain silly, ignorant, or whatever other reason keeps you from being a half-decent person, I sincerely hope you follow this link to Nomadic Matt’s guide on How to Have Sex in Hostels. He will go over the plethora of options you have at your disposal without angering your room-mates or embarrassing yourself and your partner.
You may now continue to go at each other like rabbits. I truly hope you remember your options for next time, unless you are looking to get the rest of us in on your games with some coaching and cheering 🙂
Colin (that guy on the bunk above you)